The memory garden

We stumbled upon this garden in the fall. It’s called a memory garden. In the center of the garden is a curious little tree with strips of ribbons hanging off it. The strips have peoples names on them. Or they would if the rain hadn’t washed them into illegible smears of ink. You put the name of a loved one who has passed away on the strip of paper and hang it on the tree. Seen through the little gazebo below.

We did a photo shoot here, featured in this article: How to thrift store shop like a pro 

I’d like to go back and take another look at it. Maybe put my moms name on a piece of paper or ribbon and tie it to the tree.

I must say, this grieving stuff is hard. There are days I don’t want to get up and go out the door to work. And others where I get up and get going just fine, only to get there and want to turn around and leave within the first few hours. I keep wanting to stop and get a whole bunch of lottery tickets so I can win the lottery and not go in ever again. Nothing against the place I work. I just don’t want to be there lately. Staying home and wallowing in my grief a bit longer sounds good to me. Maybe it’s better I don’t, but I want to all the same.

I’m finding that I’m feeling angry at God. They were singing a song about the God who saves at church last week. I was pissed off. God didn’t save my mom. I stopped singing and started having an angry conversation with Him in my head. Why didn’t He save her? Why doesn’t He bring her back? I sat there crying angry tears. Perhaps he did save her. It just doesn’t feel like it from here.

I tried to look up the song they were singing last weekend. I hadn’t even heard it right. The chorus goes like this:

You’re the God who stays

You’re the God who stays

You’re the one who runs in my direction

When the whole world walks away

You’re the God who stands

With wide open arms

And you tell me nothing I have ever done can separate my heart

From the God who stays

Wow. My head is such a jumbled up mess right now I hadn’t even heard the words right. The song is titled ‘The God Who Stays’ by Matthew West. So I had to have another cry because He is the God who stays. Despite my pain, my hurt, my sorrow, my anger, my grief. He’s the God who stays.

It’s really hard to tell what will trigger grief. I started crying on the way to work a week ago when the song Maybe it’s Okay by We are Messengers came on. (mentioned here.) I wanted to pull over and turn around and go back home.

My sister and I are both trying to be okay with not being okay right now. This grief thing is a process. It may never be all the way okay again. Or at least not the same. There are moments when I’m okay. And moments when I’m not. There are moments when my B.S. tolerance level is down below zero. Watch out. She-Hulk may emerge when this happens.

Grief sucks… I miss my mom. I want her back already!

To my mom: I know you’re in a better place and free of pain. But I most certainly am not.

Til we meet again in that garden in the sky…

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No words

Wow. I have absolutely no words today. That the majority of Americans see Donald Trump as fit to run the country just blows my mind. But, I’ll go back to my frame of mind yesterday, and that has nothing to do with who’s president and who’s not.

I was starting to feel angry. Not about who may or may not win the presidential election. But about cancer. And the fact that my mom is about to embark on a journey involving chemo and radiation that will wrack her body, but still not kill the type of cancer she has. About the fact that there is not enough money being given to people trying to find alternate cures for cancer – other than chemo with all of it’s awful side effects – because pharmaceutical companies and doctors make big money by supporting the use of chemo. Which, in the end, is highly ineffective to some strains of cancer and extremely hard on the body. And I’m angry about the fact that there is nothing I can do except support her and help her along on this awful journey. And find a purple t-shirt on etsy about f-ing cancer.

 

 

So, being as it was a beautiful fall day, I went off on a photo walk. Stopping to appreciate the beauty around me – signs of an awesome God. I put the election in His hands, because I had worse stuff to worry about. Stuff that was hitting way closer to home. Then tried to put that in His hands as well.

I don’t know what the future holds for our country, or for my mom. All I can do is try to be okay in today. There are too many uncertainties in the future.

And in all reality. I may not be okay in every moment of every day. I got back from my relaxing, rejuvenating walk yesterday, and within an hour I was worked up and hopping mad about cancer. And I scared the cats. Somehow between the yelling and taking time to be one with nature, I feel just a wee bit better today. Ready to face the world. To put on the my armor and do this thing. Whatever that is. To be okay. Today. In the now.

 

Yellow leaf

Yellow leaf

 

On fire!

On fire!

 

Catching sunshine

Catching sunshine

 

Sun rays

Sun rays

 

Day's end

Day’s end

 

Cute little toadstool

Cute little toadstool

 

And apparently, I found my words, whether you like them or not…

 

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