Will you meet me here again?

I fell in love with this Victorian crushed velvet jacket from Dresslilly. It was back ordered when I tried to get it the first time, but I really liked it so I tried again later on. Eventually it made it’s way to me. So cute and so ridiculous at the same time! I say ridiculous because the gigantic bell sleeves keep flopping all over the place, but they’re also part of the cuteness. You just have to figure out how to not get them wet washing your hands or keep them from dragging into your food when you eat.

Crushed velvet Victorian jacket, c/o Dresslily; black Bond jeans, c/o Mott & Bo; vintage purse, old; black suede fur lined wedge booties, c/o Sole Society, old, similar here; black beaded heart earrings, Baublebar; vintage cross on heart necklace, old.

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Personal update: Month two of my mom being gone hasn’t been as bad as month one. A lot of times when I feel like crying, the tears stay in my eyeballs because there aren’t enough to run down my cheeks. I feel like I’ve reached a state of apathy, numbness. A certain sort of meh-ness to everything. Not necessarily a good place to be, but maybe better than it was.

Today I made it to church for the first time in a month. I just couldn’t bring myself to go. I didn’t want to sit there feeling angry at God, nor did I feel like being there in the first place. I’m not really angry with God any more, nor am I happy that my mom died. Who would be?

They asked people to raise their hands at church today if they feel like they’d been forsaken by God. I raised my hand.That sounded like a good way to put into words how I felt. Then they asked us to raise both arms and for the people around us to put a hand on the shoulders of people raising their hands.

The congregation continued singing the song we’d been singing, Here Again, by Elevation Worship.

I’m not enough

Unless you come

Will you meet me here again

Cause all I want

Is all you are

Will you meet me here again

Not for a minute

Was I forsaken

The Lord is in this place

The Lord is in this place

Come Holy Spirit

Dry bones awaken

The Lord is in this place

The Lord is in this place

I sat there with my arms raised and tears streaming down my face. (I’m definitely a song person. Words from songs will always get to me more than words spoken.)

There’s something so precious in surrendering yourself to God.

The pastor was speaking about coming out of brokenness head first. A baby is supposed to be born head first so you need to come out of your brokenness and heartache head first. Um. Okay.

I disagree. Some babies stick and arm or leg out first or come out breech. Some have to be cut out of the womb. I don’t have the energy to come out of the heartbreak of losing my mom head first. If all I’ve got inside of me is to raise my hands and feel God’s love wash over me, that’s how I’m coming out of this. One arm at a time is a perfectly acceptable way to come out of grief. I’m pretty sure God will accept me coming out of this any way I’m capable of.

I really do like the new pastor at our church. His statement about coming out head first just made me feel like I have to come out strong. Like a wrecking ball. (Probably not what he meant and he certainly didn’t use the phrase ‘wrecking ball.’) Well, I’m coming out weak. I’m coming out trusting He will be my strength right now. And I’ll come out of this in whatever way I am able to, thank you very much.

For now, it’s enough to ask Him to meet me here again and to know that I am not forsaken.

~ All photos were taken by Calvin Hodgson.  You can find his work on Flickr and on his blog.

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Where do your feet go?

This past week I’ve been taking pictures of where my feet go and posting them on my Instagram.  The guest speaker at our church was talking about where your feet go, God goes with you and had mentioned asking people at the church he used to preach at to take photos of where there feet went that week. So off I went to take photos of where my feet went. Unspoken challenge accepted.

The feet photos that day were really great. Taken with my real camera. Out in nature while doing this photo shoot for the blog. After that, they were crappy cell phone photos mostly at or around work and at the grocery store. I really thought my feet were going to go somewhere really cool or do something really fun.

Reality is, God is going with me to work and to the grocery store. Wah. Wah. Wah. I’m sure even He’s bored with that. But in the mundane, everyday places life takes us, it’s good to know God goes with us. Sometimes work is hard. Sometimes the grocery store is boring. Sometimes we go to the grocery store after work and want to run all the slow pokes in front of us down with our grocery cart. God is still with us. I think that was the point of this exercise. Not necessarily to go out and find great adventures for our feet to go on, but to know God is there in the here and now. In what we’re really doing every day. There’s comfort in knowing that.

 

On to the outfit. I found this crushed velvet tunic top at Village Merchants consignment shop down in Portland when I went a few weeks ago with my sister and nieces and son. The shoes are super cute denim bow sandals I got a TJ Maxx a few years ago. The white stretchy pants I just got at Kohl’s recently. If they’d stop getting dirty when I traipse about in the woods in them, I’d wear them more often. They are that comfortable. Flowers from the Gresham Saturday Farmers Market.

Yes. I walked out on a fallen log across a small creek at some point while taking photos. In wedge sandals.

Where will your feet take you this week? Just remeber, where you’re going, God goes with you. Even in the mundane boring-ness of everyday life.

*This post contains affiliate links. If you click through on them, I may receive a small drop of money, at no extra cost to you. Enough to keep a light bulb burning in my home. Thank you in advance for helping keep a light on in my home!

~ All photos except feet photos were taken by Calvin Hodgson.  You can find his work on Flickr and on his blog.

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