I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now

I haven’t been on here much. All I can say is “I can really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now…”

I hold in my hand a wish. A tiny spark of hope.

I hold in my hand a wish. A tiny spark of hope. Hope for the future. Hope for life. Hope of things to come.

A miracle, new hope. It feels like God’s grace is running out for my mom. Where is the grace I felt God telling me about way back when I wrote the blog post What’s Grace got to do With it? Really, who am I to talk? I am not God. But I am me, and that’s what it feels like. We pray for a miracle, knowing it may not be granted. Knowing many before my mom have succumbed to the awful disease called cancer with nary a miracle in sight. Yet I pray every day for one, knowing my answer may be ‘No.’

My mom took a turn for the worse after getting on the new trial drug she had been getting a placebo of during her two years in the trial program at OHSU. The trial drug caused excruciating pain in her stomach and a loss of appetite. She was in the hospital twice in less than a week. Now she is home in hospice care and was taken off the trial drug. Her stomach pain has subsided and her appetite is very slowly coming back. She’s mostly eating soft food or liquid.

To those who have thought to send gift of fruit baskets, Omaha Steaks, Freshly or Instacart so my dad can get groceries delivered to his door or who brought home cooked meals or goodies. Many thanks to you. A special thanks to the writer of the note on one saying “Mary, eat!” When I read that to my mom. She smiled and decided to try eating a slice of apple. Thank you for being God’s hands extended to my parents during this tough time. For any who stopped by their house, thank you for helping lift her spirits. Thank you also for any and all prayers sent out way right now.

It doesn’t feel like Christmas around here. Mostly we stopped shopping for Christmas when things took a turn for the worst for my mom. But I honestly feel like we have Christmas all wrong. It’s not supposed to be about commercialism at it’s finest. It’s about God sending his gift to us – baby Jesus in manager.

I think Charles Schulz got it right with Linus’s speech in a Charlie Brown Christmas:

Linus Van Pelt“And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, ‘Fear not:
“for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the City of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.’ And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, ‘Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.'”
That’s what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.’

So, at the risk of sounding like my Christmas spirit person (animal?), The Grinch. I leave you with this:

And on earth peace, good will towards men…

*Photos taken by me on a trip last month to Edgefield, mcmenamins in Troutdale, OR

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The thing about hope…

I’ve been trying to pick my word for the year since the new year started. I was leaning towards the word hope.

Rose in bloom

So I prayed about it, and still don’t have a word. Instead, I keep feeling like God is telling me to put Him first. Whoa. Am I not doing that? Hmmm. Maybe if I really think about it, He’s there in my life, but not always first.

Budding rose

The reason I’m feeling hope is because my doctor prescribed me a new medication – Amitryiptyline – that seems to be knocking the sciatic nerve pain down to a 4 / 5 level on a pain scale of 1 – 10. Making it easier to get through and be closer to being okay as I skate through a flare up of pain. But should I really be putting my hope in a medication? And how many times have we put our hope in medication for my moms cancer and had that hoped knocked right out from under us because the medication wasn’t working? We’ve been told the medication will fail at some point. No hope found there.

Yellow roseEarlier this week, a wantok from PNG lost her 17 year old daughter in a car accident. I was getting my thoughts together to write about my word choice – Hope – when I heard the news. Where is the hope in that situation? I couldn’t find it. I didn’t write my post. The hope was just knocked out of me. But then I started thinking about my friends words that she wrote in her post on Facebook about the accident. Her daughter had just rededicated her life to the Lord two weeks earlier. She knew she was in heaven and she’d see her again some day. Wow.

Fall finery

I have hope that maybe this medication is working and I can wean myself off it and be okay again without it someday. But I don’t know that. If I look at the world around me, there is no hope.

Red leaves

The thing about hope is this: Hope is a fragile thing. It can be crushed, broken or dissipate into thin air in a heartbeat. If you put your hope in the things of this world, you have nothing. But, if you put God first and put your hope in Him, you have peace everlasting.

White rose

So, as we head into the new year, it’s a good thing to have hope for the future, but it’s a much better thing to remember Who to place your hope in in the first place. If we listen to Him telling us to put Him first, then it doesn’t matter if we have a word or resolution to face the new year with. My hope is in Him.

Pink and white rose

This is the year that I put God first in my life. I will declare that right now. Because maybe He’s there, just waiting to be put front and center.

Orange flower

For anyone reading this, I challenge you to stop and think. Is He first in your life, or is He just there, in case you need Him and feel like talking to Him if you have a moment?

Red maple leaf

To my susa lewa who lost her daughter this week: my heart breaks when your heart breaks. You are in the thoughts and prayers of many wantoks this week.

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

 

Pidgin English Words:

*Susa = Sister

*Lewa = Person of my heart, my heart craves / longs for you.

*wantok = A close comrade: a person with whom one has a strong social bond, usually based on shared language or place.

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