The memory garden

We stumbled upon this garden in the fall. It’s called a memory garden. In the center of the garden is a curious little tree with strips of ribbons hanging off it. The strips have peoples names on them. Or they would if the rain hadn’t washed them into illegible smears of ink. You put the name of a loved one who has passed away on the strip of paper and hang it on the tree. Seen through the little gazebo below.

We did a photo shoot here, featured in this article: How to thrift store shop like a pro 

I’d like to go back and take another look at it. Maybe put my moms name on a piece of paper or ribbon and tie it to the tree.

I must say, this grieving stuff is hard. There are days I don’t want to get up and go out the door to work. And others where I get up and get going just fine, only to get there and want to turn around and leave within the first few hours. I keep wanting to stop and get a whole bunch of lottery tickets so I can win the lottery and not go in ever again. Nothing against the place I work. I just don’t want to be there lately. Staying home and wallowing in my grief a bit longer sounds good to me. Maybe it’s better I don’t, but I want to all the same.

I’m finding that I’m feeling angry at God. They were singing a song about the God who saves at church last week. I was pissed off. God didn’t save my mom. I stopped singing and started having an angry conversation with Him in my head. Why didn’t He save her? Why doesn’t He bring her back? I sat there crying angry tears. Perhaps he did save her. It just doesn’t feel like it from here.

I tried to look up the song they were singing last weekend. I hadn’t even heard it right. The chorus goes like this:

You’re the God who stays

You’re the God who stays

You’re the one who runs in my direction

When the whole world walks away

You’re the God who stands

With wide open arms

And you tell me nothing I have ever done can separate my heart

From the God who stays

Wow. My head is such a jumbled up mess right now I hadn’t even heard the words right. The song is titled ‘The God Who Stays’ by Matthew West. So I had to have another cry because He is the God who stays. Despite my pain, my hurt, my sorrow, my anger, my grief. He’s the God who stays.

It’s really hard to tell what will trigger grief. I started crying on the way to work a week ago when the song Maybe it’s Okay by We are Messengers came on. (mentioned here.) I wanted to pull over and turn around and go back home.

My sister and I are both trying to be okay with not being okay right now. This grief thing is a process. It may never be all the way okay again. Or at least not the same. There are moments when I’m okay. And moments when I’m not. There are moments when my B.S. tolerance level is down below zero. Watch out. She-Hulk may emerge when this happens.

Grief sucks… I miss my mom. I want her back already!

To my mom: I know you’re in a better place and free of pain. But I most certainly am not.

Til we meet again in that garden in the sky…

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End of the Oregon Trail

I was on my way somewhere a couple of weeks ago and drove right by the parking lot for the End of the Oregon Trail Interpretive Center. I always see it from the freeway, and fully intend to stop by and explore some day, but then never do. So, I swung into the parking lot of an antique store nearby and decided to get out for a quick explore of the place. I didn’t go inside the center because, like I said, I was on my way somewhere else, but did a quick tour of the grounds outside.

To be standing there, at the place where the trail ended, you can’t help but wonder how good that must have felt to finally be at the end of a long journey. They still had yet to establish their homesteads and get settled, but now knowing that the hard journey was over.

Sometimes in life we are on a long journey – I seem to be on one myself – not sure where the trail ends, trudging along waiting for the end to be in sight. Knowing there’s a lot of work to get myself settled back down again, but also knowing one day I’ll get to the end of my journey, and what a relief it will be.

My mom is on her own journey right now. She just had a scheduled surgery at the hospital this week, after a couple of months of being in pain and discomfort. Her journey to get the surgery is done and over. Now starts the recovery process, with the knowledge that at the end of it, she will finally feel better. How wonderful to know that if you can just get past the next couple of months of recovery, at the end you’ll feel so much better than when you went in!

Here’s to a speedy recovery for my mom, and an end in sight to long journey’s any of us are going through right now!

 

End of the Oregon Trail Interpretive Center

End of the Oregon Trail Interpretive Center

 

Little log cabin

Little log cabin

 

Random bike rack test bike

Random bike rack test bike

 

Standing proud

Standing proud

 

Up to the sky

Up to the sky

 

End of the Oregon Trail

End of the Oregon Trail

 

 

 

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