Will you meet me here again?

I fell in love with this Victorian crushed velvet jacket from Dresslilly. It was back ordered when I tried to get it the first time, but I really liked it so I tried again later on. Eventually it made it’s way to me. So cute and so ridiculous at the same time! I say ridiculous because the gigantic bell sleeves keep flopping all over the place, but they’re also part of the cuteness. You just have to figure out how to not get them wet washing your hands or keep them from dragging into your food when you eat.

Crushed velvet Victorian jacket, c/o Dresslily; black Bond jeans, c/o Mott & Bo; vintage purse, old; black suede fur lined wedge booties, c/o Sole Society, old, similar here; black beaded heart earrings, Baublebar; vintage cross on heart necklace, old.

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Personal update: Month two of my mom being gone hasn’t been as bad as month one. A lot of times when I feel like crying, the tears stay in my eyeballs because there aren’t enough to run down my cheeks. I feel like I’ve reached a state of apathy, numbness. A certain sort of meh-ness to everything. Not necessarily a good place to be, but maybe better than it was.

Today I made it to church for the first time in a month. I just couldn’t bring myself to go. I didn’t want to sit there feeling angry at God, nor did I feel like being there in the first place. I’m not really angry with God any more, nor am I happy that my mom died. Who would be?

They asked people to raise their hands at church today if they feel like they’d been forsaken by God. I raised my hand.That sounded like a good way to put into words how I felt. Then they asked us to raise both arms and for the people around us to put a hand on the shoulders of people raising their hands.

The congregation continued singing the song we’d been singing, Here Again, by Elevation Worship.

I’m not enough

Unless you come

Will you meet me here again

Cause all I want

Is all you are

Will you meet me here again

Not for a minute

Was I forsaken

The Lord is in this place

The Lord is in this place

Come Holy Spirit

Dry bones awaken

The Lord is in this place

The Lord is in this place

I sat there with my arms raised and tears streaming down my face. (I’m definitely a song person. Words from songs will always get to me more than words spoken.)

There’s something so precious in surrendering yourself to God.

The pastor was speaking about coming out of brokenness head first. A baby is supposed to be born head first so you need to come out of your brokenness and heartache head first. Um. Okay.

I disagree. Some babies stick and arm or leg out first or come out breech. Some have to be cut out of the womb. I don’t have the energy to come out of the heartbreak of losing my mom head first. If all I’ve got inside of me is to raise my hands and feel God’s love wash over me, that’s how I’m coming out of this. One arm at a time is a perfectly acceptable way to come out of grief. I’m pretty sure God will accept me coming out of this any way I’m capable of.

I really do like the new pastor at our church. His statement about coming out head first just made me feel like I have to come out strong. Like a wrecking ball. (Probably not what he meant and he certainly didn’t use the phrase ‘wrecking ball.’) Well, I’m coming out weak. I’m coming out trusting He will be my strength right now. And I’ll come out of this in whatever way I am able to, thank you very much.

For now, it’s enough to ask Him to meet me here again and to know that I am not forsaken.

~ All photos were taken by Calvin Hodgson.  You can find his work on Flickr and on his blog.

Easter Angels

I ran across these wonderful vintage Easter angel cards this weekend. I do love Victorian artwork, so I thought I’d share them with you in case you love vintage Victorian art as well. Or maybe you need an Easter angel this week. I know I do. And a regular guardian angel every other day as well!

 

Vintage Easter angel being showered with violets ~ Image courtesy of vintageholidaycrafts.com

Vintage Easter angel being showered with violets ~ Image courtesy of vintageholidaycrafts.com

 

I must admit. This morning I was having one of those days when things hit you hard. I woke up with yet another headache and didn’t think I’d make it to church for the third time in a row. But, I took some ibuprofen, got out of bed and managed to get out the door and down the road to church. They had free donuts when I got there. Score!

 

Four Easter Angels ~ Image courtesy of vintageholidaycrafts.com

Four Easter Angels ~ Image courtesy of vintageholidaycrafts.com

 

Worship started. I love the singing part. I think we should just forget about the talking part and just sing our way through the service. Ha. But seriously. We started singing, there was a big cross on the stage, and I started thinking about my mom’s cancer. This month marks the 18 month mark since her ‘D’ day was given to her. She’s supposed to either not be here right now, or have one foot in the grave. But instead, she’s alive and doing well. I get to go have Easter dinner over at my parents house today.

 

Two angels on a cross ~ Image courtesy of vintageholidaycrafts.com

Two angels on a cross ~ Image courtesy of vintageholidaycrafts.com

 

I’m not sure why this hits so hard on certain days, but for one, it’s a holiday. For two, it’s another landmark time that the doctor’s told her she had left to live. Now we’re into the time where they said at the most she’d have 18 months to two years to live. And when you get to these landmark moments, they just hit you like a rock in the gut.

My mom is still here. Take that satan! By the grace of God, she is still here, so I take that rock in the gut and throw a big gigantic boulder right back at ya, you stinky, slimy toad straight from the pits of hell!

 

Victorian Easter angel card with gold accents ~ Image courtesy of vintageholidaycrafts.com

Victorian Easter angel card with gold accents ~ Image courtesy of vintageholidaycrafts.com

 

I’m not sure if it’s all the prayers, the new trial drug, the CBD oil that we always feel like we shouldn’t mention she’s taking despite it’s many medicinal qualities. Maybe it’s the baking soda and water she takes a bit of on the side. Or maybe it’s the groats of oats. (Steel cut oats) I woke up one morning last year, with the phrase ‘groats of oats’ repeating itself in my head three times. I started laughing. I didn’t think there was such a thing as groats of oats. I felt very strongly that I needed to look it up, but shrugged it off as something silly. A few days later I got a Facebook message from a friend with a video clip in it talking about different things that were good for fighting cancer. And one of them was groats of oats, which I totally thought was a made up phrase playing through my head. A few weeks later I finally told my mom about the weird incident. Now she makes up big pots of groats of oats or actually steel cut oats which are the same thing cut down in three pieces so they are easier to cook. Whatever the case, we’re really not sure what’s doing it, but we’ll take whatever is kicking the cancer’s butt at the moment.

 

Vintage Easter angel card with purple flowers and church bell ~ Image courtesy of vintageholidaycrafts.com

Vintage Easter angel card with purple flowers and church bell ~ Image courtesy of vintageholidaycrafts.com

 

I’ve been busy doing background acting work these past two weeks. Everything that was filming around town has ended for now. But, I was thinking about all of my extras friends while the pastor was preaching his sermon. (He was talking about the prodigal son, in case you think I missed the whole sermon.) Some new, some old. And how you sometimes get paired up with someone or in a group of people and those people are your set buddies for the day. I was thinking I should do something similar at church. I go to such a big church, you don’t really connect with people very well, but, there are the people around you. They could be your ‘church buddies’.

So, when the lady in front of me raised her hand when they asked if people wanted to rededicate themselves to the Lord, or make an commitment to the Lord for the first time. I really wanted to give her a hug. But they asked them all to come up front. So she did with the rest of the new believers. When she came back, I went up to her and gave her a big hug and told her I was glad she was there and I thought she was a beautiful lady. She just held on to me and cried while they were singing a song up front. We talked a bit and I actually gave her a kiss on the cheek before I sat down. ~ Like where is Maureen, and what alien abducted her this morning, right? ~ I don’t normally do the cheek kissing thing unless the other person initiates it. Weird. So yeah. I just hugged on and loved on a new comer to East HIll Church today and welcomed her into the fold all because I thought, why not have a church buddy just like you have set buddies? And really, why not? In smaller churches you have relationships with the people in the church, but I’m used to being in a big church where you just get lost in the crowd. So, if you go to a big church like me, why not adopt a church buddy? Or take a new comer under your wing? I do it on background acting jobs, so why not do it out in the real world as well?

 

I asked Jesus "How much do you love me?"

I asked Jesus “How much do you love me?”

 

So, this week, I challenge you. If you’re on a set, find a set buddy. If you’re at church, find a church buddy. At work, where ever you’re spending a good chunk of time. Why not find someone and make their day brighter by welcoming them into your life? And who knows, maybe you’ll be like an angel coming along to encourage, accept and love on them, just when they need it. If you feel like you’re not qualified, just remember, God doesn’t call the qualified, he qualifies the called.

 

God doesn't call the qualified, he qualifies the called.

God doesn’t call the qualified, he qualifies the called.

 

Have a wonderful, blessed week!

*This post does not contain affiliate links unless you chose to click around on the stuff in the side bar. As usual, thanks for stopping by and supporting my blog and helping to keep a light burning in my home. All vintage images are courtesy of Vintage Holiday Crafts

 

 

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